Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
