I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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