I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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