Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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