Where did you get a picture of my penis
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
