My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
