I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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