The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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