So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
In America we eat man semen.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
