there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
