I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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