Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
