I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize