i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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