Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
