you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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