Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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