Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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