Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
