I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
