My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
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the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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