for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
