I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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