good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
