sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
