It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
