I think i peed on brittanys purse
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
