Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
