I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
