This dress was meant to end up on your floor
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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