peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
