a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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