I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
