Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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