Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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