4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
