I think my vagina is haunted
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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