Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
