I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
