I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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