I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
