i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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