I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
