I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
