I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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