The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
