Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
