Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
