do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
