Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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