he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
