life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It's shark week go big or go home
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
