I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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