she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
