I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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