i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
