why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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