Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
