im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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