Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I think your dad took our porno
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
