i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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