I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
