New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
