I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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