Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
