I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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