Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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