normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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